Wednesday, October 3, 2012

08: Bad Dreams

During the time that he was having his affair, I used to have a very violent and disturbing dream. I would confront her in the bathroom at a party, armed with a baseball bat. I would continue to scream at her to leave my husband alone and beat her into a bloody pulp. I never considered myself to be a violent person, so this terrified me.

It was graphic, and in some ways terribly satisfying. I was unable to do anything to stop her. My confronting her didn't do anything but drive a larger wedge between me and my husband. Texting her, calling her..nothing made a difference. It felt like I was fighting him as much as I was fighting her.

I mention this because I have begun to have bad dreams again. Three nights in a row now. The first one was confronting him about the dissolution of our relationship. Screaming at him if it was worth it. If he was happy now, having thrown me away. In my dream he said that the sex with her was worth it. He even had a daughter, but with a former girlfriend from our high school years.

When I awoke, I was a mess. I just rolled myself into a ball and cried, my heart pounding in my chest. I miss him. I really, really miss him. I miss the good things about him, the way he used to make me feel. Before all this, before she came into the picture and refused to leave. It's not fucking fair.

I hate how the subconcious brings things to the surface like this. Just when I think I am making progress.

Thanks for listening.

1 comment:

  1. You have very vivid dreams; pretty heavily-charged, too. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but these dreams may actually be helping you. Your feelings are obviously still there and still strong, and it seems to me that your dreams are a way for your mind to work through them. At any rate, it's certainly better to beat someone up in a dream than in real life. *smiles softly* Your breakup is very close, and very upsetting. Don't feel bad about the fact that it still has this kind of effect on you. You'll get through it.