During the time that he was having his affair, I used to have a very violent and disturbing dream. I would confront her in the bathroom at a party, armed with a baseball bat. I would continue to scream at her to leave my husband alone and beat her into a bloody pulp. I never considered myself to be a violent person, so this terrified me.
It was graphic, and in some ways terribly satisfying. I was unable to do anything to stop her. My confronting her didn't do anything but drive a larger wedge between me and my husband. Texting her, calling her..nothing made a difference. It felt like I was fighting him as much as I was fighting her.
I mention this because I have begun to have bad dreams again. Three nights in a row now. The first one was confronting him about the dissolution of our relationship. Screaming at him if it was worth it. If he was happy now, having thrown me away. In my dream he said that the sex with her was worth it. He even had a daughter, but with a former girlfriend from our high school years.
When I awoke, I was a mess. I just rolled myself into a ball and cried, my heart pounding in my chest. I miss him. I really, really miss him. I miss the good things about him, the way he used to make me feel. Before all this, before she came into the picture and refused to leave. It's not fucking fair.
I hate how the subconcious brings things to the surface like this. Just when I think I am making progress.
Thanks for listening.