I went to a friends birthday party the other day. It was nice, to have a reason to go out and splurge on a dinner out and drinks. He has been a good friend to me during this whole process, and I wanted to make sure that I showed him that I cared.
Some of my old friends were in attendance, which made for a few awkward moments. I was asked to be friends again. I was told that they didn't want to get involved, but they miss me. "Look at you!" they said. "Look how great you look! You are much better without him."
One person in particular took me aside and said that she did not get involved because deep down she thought I was better off without her. That was really a hard thing to hear, and I think I kept my composure well. Part of me wanted to completely lose it at her and say things like "How dare you try to make that decision for me!" I reinforced that I still loved my husband, and while I am willing to give things a try I doubt we will be the same friends as we were. I let them know that I felt they abandoned me. Their reaction was a bit passive at best.
Perhaps my anger is misplaced. I don't know. I definitely do not feel the same level of kinship or trust that I did before. I doubt I will ever be as close to them as we were before.
Then there was the kiss. A friend had more than a few drinks and laid one on me, movie style. I was too shocked to react more than a started "OH!" and was completely caught unaware. I didn't solicit it more than casual drunken flirting, or at least I hope so. He is not single.
His fiancee does not like me. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I am too cavalier, too outgoing with talking about bikini waxes at parties. She thought the card that I gave the Birthday Boy was inappropriate, as it showcased Vegas showgirls on the cover with "Tiddy Rump, Tiddy Rump, Tiddy Rump Rump Rump" singing once the card is opened. (My mom picked it out, I swear!)
So this brings me to a uncomfortable place of perspective. This is how things started with my Husband and The Other Woman. A innocent kiss, in the heat of the moment that turned into more. I adore Birthday Boy, I want him to be as happy as he can be with his wife and kids and white picket fence. Would I have the resolve to give him up if asked? Is this how she felt at the idea of losing my Husband?
There are some similarities here, and it is making me uneasy. I know that I will never be with this person and I have absolutely no plans on pursuing him. I keep repeating that to myself, trying to make myself feel better. But even a kiss, drunken or not...is still cheating. It's a vicious circle, and no matter how I try to word it in my mind it comes back to that fact.
I think I will just be here in my corner, sulking.
Thanks for reading.