Sunday, September 9, 2012

05: Self Doubt

I have not been in a good mental state these past few days, due the the coming and passing of my eight year wedding anniversary. It makes me wonder why I continue to let the fact that he left me dominate my life. I still think about it daily, I still see my psychiatrist. When I see someone who is not in the know and they inquire about how it is that I am back in town, I lead with "He and I are not together anymore, he left me for someone else."

It's disgraceful, how much I let this permeate my every day life. Maybe that is why so many of my friends have left me. Maybe it's not a flaw in their character, but my inability to let it go. Who would want to hang out with a Debbie Downer?

Then I come to the thought of what would happen if he found this blog. He would not be happy about it, and would likely feel that I am painting him to be a terrible person. {Or be upset that I am implying that he would be upset..}I don't even feel that I can talk about it to my friends and acquaintances. For one, who would really want to read it? Secondly, would it be seen as a cry for attention?

Oh Woe is me! For my Husband hath left me for a poly-amorous slut, who is doth married. Thou twas not really an "affair" since they hath not yet done the nasty.  

Then we get into all the fun psychological talk and disclaimers. Yes, an emotional affair is just as if not more damaging and destructive than a physical affair. There was a significant amount of emotional abuse going on, and had been for years. It was very probable that they had already had sex, since he was pushing me to try an open relationship, to lessen his guilt. We had gone through several bouts of him not wanting to touch me with a ten foot pole. There was already problems there, before she came into his life. 

Every time a friend calls me to give me a little "perk up" talk, I just want to scream. "Pull yourself up by your boot straps and move on" they say. "You are stronger than you think."  I am just not ready yet. I don't know how else to describe it. I want to snark at them and say "You are not in my shoes! You have no right to dictate this to me! Don't tell me to move on, when I am not even divorced yet!"

They mean well, but in these conversations I can't rarely get a word in.  I think they are tired of my self loathing and depressed antics. I just can't help it, apparently. Is there a way to consciously dictate to myself not to feel bad anymore? To cross off the "situational adjustment disorder with anxiety and depression" off my chart?

I don't know. If there was such an easy way, then I wouldn't need this blog. Nor my shrink and the shiny bottles of sanity inducing medication. 

Just hang in there with me, let me do this at my own pace. Until then, I think I will continue to have these moments of self doubt.

Thanks for listening.

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