Monday, September 17, 2012

06: It's Over

Tammy Wynette sang it well. "My D. I. V. O. R. C. E...becomes final today.."

I got my email from the lawyer while I was waiting for my mother in the parking lot of the local Walmart. (On a site note, I really despise Walmart.) I knew it was coming, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks. My chest locked up, my eyes started watering and the next thing I knew I was fighting back tears and had to cancel our mani/pedi date. I didn't want to be seen crying in public.

As I drove to my parents house, I had to pull over to let it out. Huge, sobbing cries that shook my whole body. Even now, writing this I am tearing up. I can feel the hot tears fall down my cheeks, and I am having to take time away from typing to wipe my eyes. I wish I had the forethought to wear waterproof mascara.

Perhaps writing this all now is not the best of ideas, I don't know. I only know of a few who read this and one inspiring person who commented. (Thank you.) So who cares? Right? I can try and steer my thoughts towards something profound and well written, or I can just let it all go and try and get some of this lingering weight off my chest.

I want to say "You won" to Her. She who tore my marriage apart, even after I confronted her begging for her to stay way. When I demanded, commanded, threatened, begged, and ultimately screamed at her to stay away from my husband. She sees herself as a poster child for polyamory, and even has a website dedicated to those who practice open marriages. I know many who are in them, and it works for them. They have always accepted my views on my marriage and never tried to steer us elsewhere. She didn't. She didn't live up to the pretty words on her site. She didn't respect my feelings about her, and about how she was damaging my relationship with my husband.

Though, neither did he. He never stopped either. He gave me one week that he "suffered" through not being able to talk to her. If I was smart, I would have realized it was over back then. God, hindsight really is twenty-twenty.  When our therapist recommened that he stop calling her, stop role playing with her, not be with her during our vacation in New Orleans he almost walked out of our session. She asked him if he understood that he would have to make a decision, and he did. He just couldn't do it yet. The reality was, he didn't want too.

He wanted his cake, and he wanted to eat it too. Then he would be angry with me for being angry with him, and scream at me that he was hurting too. Or be mad at me for talking about it with people. To which I would angrily retort "Then stop cheating if it embarrasses you!" Which really wasn't the best thing to say. That did NOT give a good reaction, and I found myself actualy cringing from him when he raised his voice.

Did I mention that once I got home I manically cleaned my apartment and now I am getting very drunk? Because I am. I am very inebriated at the moment, safe and secure at home. Thank goodness for spell check. I promise not to delete this post in the morning. Or, at least I think I promise. I am pretty sure at least.

I asked my Facebook friends not to congratulate me for my divorce being final.  A marriage ending is nothing to say "congrats" about. If you don't like to hear about it and you want to remain a acquaintance then hide my feed. Or, the third option is you can cut me out and be like the others who left me when things got rough. I like this option the least, but at least it is honest. I have no room in my life for friends who talk behind my back, or who abandon me when times get rough.

I think I am drunk enough to say that the can go to hell. Or suck my metaphorical twanger. Yeah, I went there.

I have been taking sleeping aids for the past week, but since I am drinking I will refrain. I hope that all this venting/crying/blogging will calm my mind enough that I can sleep. Since my cat is now demanding that I play fetch with her, that may be awhile.

Thanks for reading.

1 comment:

  1. There are many good reasons to write these things down; I'm sure you can probably think of them on your own (when you're not quite so inebriated *winks*), so I won't bother to list them. And you're right. This sort of situation is no cause for celebration. So I'll just say this: You're not alone.