04: A Chisel

I am making a effort to write something in this blog every day. I have to hope that maybe someday, some person may read this and find wisdom. Perhaps another man or woman in a relationship that was taking a turn for the worse. Maybe I can find solace in knowing this may help another person.

Though that is rather narcissistic, don't you think? I am no Pulitzer author, just a tired woman who is trying to make sense of what has happened in my life. Hell, with my luck people will start reading this and send me hate mail. Well, I think the way it boils down is this is for me.

I have always seen myself as an assertive person. Somehow, my assertiveness always seemed to get me in trouble. I would go gung ho against a social injustice, or something that I felt was completely wrong and be told by him to "just let it go." I would normally get upset at this, and would make a contrite effort to do so. Most often, I would fail in this regard and continue my tenacity with all the aggressions of a angry pit bull.

We're taking fairly big things and some that are relatively small. A conflict at the workplace, being denied a benefit from our medical insurance due to a loophole. My work trying to deny bereavement time because I didn't leave the day I learned of the passing. Sometimes, I felt that he was disgusted with me over it.   So when he said to me "just let it go." I would try.

Slowly, I became less and less assertive. I saw my tenacity as a tedious, annoying factor of my personality instead of a strength. I began to let more and more people walk over me. I tried not to argue (sometimes failing miserably). When he told me to do something, or to do something differently...I tried to do it. I realize now that this was the beginning of the downward spiral.

It's funny how I clearly I can see how the effects of the emotional abuse, how it started off small and grew and grew. Like taking little baby steps, or like a little chisel chipping away at my self confidence to reveal the ugly little girl within. Slowly, I began to feel like nothing I did was ever good enough. Everything was ultimately my fault. I was not good at anything. I was not a good wife.

When it came to her, he was upset that I couldn't be happy for him. He had found someone who he loved and could relate too, and I was just badgering him about how bad it was that he was telling her things that he should be telling me. He was upset that I hated it, that I resented her. He was of course furious when I slapped her and screamed at her to leave my husband alone.

....That is another story in itself. One that I am not ready to relive yet.

That is all for now, dear reader.

Thank you for listening.