HELLO.
I can stare at this blank screen for hours, wondering how I am going to start this. What to say, how to say it as to not inflict too much discord or pain. Yet, I need to get this off my chest and start this healing process. There seems to be no real middle ground when it comes to my feelings.
Do I change everyone's names? Will it even matter? Who is going to read this anyway? Maybe Suzanne, who is my psychiatrist. I think I surprised her when I said that I was going to do this. It wasn't her suggestion, but something that had been on my mind for awhile. A way to express my anguish, my feelings of being discarded by the one person I loved more than anything.
I am not writing this for your sympathy.
I don't need someone to read this and go "Oh my gosh, I hate her ex-husband for what he did." or say "I am so sorry I abandoned you." or anything like that. Sure, I miss some of my old friends but I can not in good faith take them back in my life. Not as they were, at least. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on.
Perhaps this is not the best way to move forward, digging up the past and reliving it again. Though I have hopes that once I can look at this from a outside perspective I can at least learn something. Regardless of it is about myself, or about the situation it is something more than what I had to begin with. With that in mind, let me start.
I am sitting on my bed, in a one room studio apartment downtown. I am thirty three years old, and I have two cats. I have been scraping a modest living working as a banker, and with the liberal use of coupons and bargain shopping. I tend to go a little nutty every once in awhile, and splurge on going to the movies or getting a pedicure. I have enough in the bank to live, my own car and some money tucked away for retirement. I am also getting a divorce from the only person I have ever loved.
I suppose I have it better than most, looking at it in black and white. I have food in my belly, a cat sleeping next to me with his little paws twitching. I can't however get used to sleeping alone. I pile up the pillows next to me to give the illusion of someone there. I can't seem to sleep on his side of the bed. I wake up each morning with my side of the bed rumpled and his smooth and undisturbed. My cat Addison sleeps there most of the time.
I go to therapy about once a month, and I have tried dating but it is just too soon. The few relationships I have tried have all ended badly. I am just not ready yet, and most men are not wanting to hear that.
Work wise, I am looking forward to going back to my intended career. Interior Design is a love, a passion. All of it, from pain to texture to layout is something I am good at. I have thought of going back to college, but I can not handle the financial burden right now.
That is all for today, I think. I feel like I am dipping my toe in the water, getting a feel for the temperature. Let me muse on this, and see what else I feel like putting out there.
Thank you for listening.
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