He used to say to me "You have plenty of friends, you will be fine" in regards to how I would cope without him. That there were plenty of men who wanted to be with me, that I would be happy in no time. I don't know if he was saying this to make himself feel better or me.
I miss the friends I used to have, but not enough to go back to them begging to be taken back into the fold. My mother used to say to me "with a friend like that, you don't need any enemies." I don't think they are necessarily enemies...nor do I wish anyone any ill will. I just can not fathom how someone could say that they were my friend, when they just abandoned me when I was at my lowest.
I see pictures of them on Facebook, hanging out and having fun. Part of me gets reminiscent and melancholy, wishing that I could be there. Then I realize all those nights I spent in my apartment alone and miserable, wishing that one of them would pick up the phone. I remember being snubbed at social events that we were all at. Most of all, I remember this:
It was a Sunday afternoon, and I wanted to go to the discount bookstore in town. I had some books to trade in, and had hopes to buy a new one with my earnings. A group of old friends, one of whom I cared for very much was there and all took turns acknowledging me. I tried to keep my composure and waited for my name to be called. I avoided them at every turn, and was finaly cornered in the tween section.
Literally. Edward Cullen was a witness to my semi-breakdown.
I received hugs and how are you's and they asked me what I was doing. Some thought I had moved to Milwaukee, which I quickly denied. I had thoughts of moving there, but it wasn't in the cards. I pointedly told them I was here in town. Part of me was really angry, but I did not want to lash out.
I was facing a very scary thyroid problem at the time, and was facing surgery to have part of it removed due to a growth. For some reason, one that I can not to this day figure out...I told them about it. Told them that I never went out, never played games anymore and mostly lived alone with cats. In some fashion I think I wanted to make them feel as awkward and as uncomfortable as they were making me.
When my name was called, I cashed out my ticket and almost ran out of the building. The idea of purchasing a book was albeit forgotten. I wanted away, away from them and the situation. In a near panic, I called my friend Heidi and she was gracious enough to allow me to vent. Heidi has been a good friend through all this, keeping me in the loop with her new house and family. Inviting me out for girls night or to her open house and letting me take it at my own pace.
There are others there too who have been great, friends who have reached out and done nothing more than a supportive squeeze on the shoulder to say "Hey, I'm here." These little things have meant so much to me.
I don't know where I am going with all this. I suppose I just needed to get this off my chest. As always, thank you for listening.
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